Ring, Ring! And How I Was a Jerk to My Momma

It’s a well known fact among my family and friends that I’m impossible to wake up and just plain stupid once I’m awake, not to mention snarly.  It’s bad enough that to get up for work each day, I have a bottle of caffeine pills across the room with the alarm.  An old fashioned, metal bell clanging, battery-run-so-the-power-being-out-doesn’t-matter alarm.

I take a pill with the water I keep next to the bed and then crawl back into bed until my phone alarm starts going off.  At that point, about half an hour later, I’m awake enough to get myself out of bed without help, with only moderate wailing and gnashing of teeth and general misery.

Then I start drinking ridiculous amounts of caffeine in a variety of forms.  Which is another issue.

Flat out, my meds are sedating, and this is the only way I can function.

I’m not exaggerating.  I was once dragged down a flight of stairs, bump, bump, bump and left in the kitchen… where I continued to sleep in the middle of the floor.


Anyway, if you call me in the morning, I don’t actually wake up right away.  Instead, I will hold full conversations on the phone without remembering.  And if you ask me a question before I’m awake, the answer is No.  Just No.

I refuse everything.  You could tell me to come and pick up my winning lottery ticket or that you’re serving peppermint ice cream or rice krispies or some other treat, and the answer will be No.  You could have puppies.  Money has been offered in the past by friends trying to bribe me out of bed, and the answer was No.  An ex made me breakfast in bed.  I said No and continued sleeping.  And there was even bacon!

It’s a thing.

This is funny most of the time, but when people are in a hurry, they try to rush things along and ask the question immediately and get a No, and it causes problems.

For example.

The morning of the Chili Cook Off, my sweet mother went to church (across the street from us), and came over to our house afterwards.  Instead of knocking, she called because she wanted to sit inside rather than her car while she waited for the Cook Off.

Absolutely a reasonable request, and one that I would love because I love seeing her.  Yay, my momma!

Instead, she got the No.

And after repeated attempts to get a different answer, she drove the six miles home.

Sadly, I imagine, with tears, because I AM A JERK.

So later that day, I asked why she didn’t stop by after church instead of driving home.  The look on her face was dumbfounded.  “You said No.”


So, this is the story of how I was a jerk to my momma and the moral is please don’t call before ten in the morning.  *sadface*