So, some people (allegedly) have reasonable, positive self talk that, you know, makes them happy.

I have never ending lists of who might be mad at me and why.  And there was that time in third grade where I stole a marble from my best friend and she probably still hates me.  And today I didn’t smile quickly enough when my coworker made a joke and now she hates me.  Is this the right face that I’m making now?  Because if it isn’t she’ll hate me.

Someone passed me on the road this morning because they’re going to slow and now they hate me and I’m the most annoying driver ever.  I stood too close behind someone in line and made them uncomfortable enough to step away and now they think I’m creepy.  My dad shifted in his chair behind me so he’s obviously mad at me.

It’s ridiculous.  It eats me up inside.

And in public places, it can overwhelm me and trigger a teary melt down or just plain freezing up.

I hate it.

It turns a half-listening-to-me laugh from my husband into him being secretly mad at me and he’s going to leave me and…

It also comes in ‘everyone I love is going to die’ flavor for added excitement.  I haven’t seen my husband since I left him sleeping in bed this morning so he obviously has to have died and I never got to say good bye and I don’t think I can live through this and – breathe.  Just BREATHE, Renee.

Actually he’s sitting and playing video games and has no idea that I spent the drive home thinking he was dead because he didn’t hear me call him 36 times because his phone is dead.


It makes me sick to my stomach, will drive me to desperately retreat from social situations, and causes pretty much the only fights I have with my husband.  Isn’t that terrible?  We only fight when I’m flipping out about him dying or not loving me or leaving me and only then because he gets frustrated trying to talk me out of my bout of crazy.

I married a very mellow man.

Sorry, dear.  You shook on it.  You’re stuck with me.  *smile*

But I definitely struggle with anxiety, and I finally folded a while back and now have a four-times-a-day anxiety med.  It makes a huge difference, I can’t even begin to tell you.

And you know what?  It’s a lot easier to deal with Bipolar without my anxiety ramping up the stakes!